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Star Wars Design FAIL

This is hilarious:

I'll come right out and say it: Star Wars has a badly-designed universe; so poorly-designed, in fact, that one can say that a significant goal of all those Star Wars novels is to rationalize and mitigate the bad design choices of the movies. Need examples? Here's ten.

R2-D2
Sure, he's cute, but the flaws in his design are obvious the first time he approaches anything but the shallowest of stairs. Also: He has jets, a periscope, a taser and oil canisters to make enforcer droids fall about in slapsticky fashion -- and no voice synthesizer. Imagine that design conversation: "Yes, we can afford slapstick oil and tasers, but we'll never get a 30-cent voice chip past accounting. That's just madness."

C-3PO
Can't fully extend his arms; has a bunch of exposed wiring in his abs; walks and runs as if he has the droid equivalent of arthritis. And you say, well, he was put together by an eight-year-old. Yes, but a trip to the nearest Radio Shack would fix that. Also, I'm still waiting to hear the rationale for making a protocol droid a shrieking coward, aside from George Lucas rummaging through a box of offensive stereotypes (which he'd later return to while building Jar-Jar Binks) and picking out the "mincing gay man" module.

Lightsabers
Yes, I know, I want one too. But I tell you what: I want one with a hand guard. Otherwise every lightsaber battle would consist of sabers clashing and then their owners sliding as quickly as possible down the shaft to lop off their opponent's fingers. You say: Lightsabers can slice through anything but another lightsaber, so what are you going to make a hand guard out of? I say: Dude, if you have the technology to make a lightsaber, you have the technology to make a light hand guard.

Blasters
A tactical nightmare: They're incredibly loud, especially for firing what are essentially light beams. The fire ordnance is so slow it can be dodged, and it comes out as a streak of light that reveals your position to your enemies. Let's not even go near the idea of light beams being slow enough to dodge; that's just something you have let go of, or risk insanity.

Landspeeders and other flying vehicles
Here's the thing: In the Star Wars universe, there are no seatbelts. And maybe if you're flying your hoity-toity vehicle on Coruscant, you have, like, a force field that keeps you flying out of your seat. But Luke's X-34 speeder on Tatooine? The Yugo of speeders, man. One hard stop, and out you go.

Stormtrooper Uniforms
They stand out like a sore thumb in every environment but snow, the helmets restrict view ("I can't see a thing in this helmet!" -- Luke Skywalker), and the armor is penetrable by single shots from blasters. Add it all up and you have to wonder why stormtroopers don't just walk around naked, save for blinders and flip-flops.

Death Star
An unshielded exhaust port leading directly to the central reactor? Really? And when you rebuild it, your solution to this problem is four paths into the central core so large that you can literally fly a spaceship through them? Brilliant. Note to the Emperor: Someone on your Death Star design staff is in the pay of Rebel forces. Oh, right, you can't get the memo because someone threw you down a huge exposed shaft in your Death Star throne room.

Bad design in Star Wars is not just limited to stuff; evolution here seems wacky, too. Three choice bits:

Sarlaac
A monstrous yet immobile creature who lives in an exposed pit in the middle of a lifeless desert, waiting for large animals to apparently feel suicidal and trek out to throw themselves in? Yeah, not so much. Not every Sarlaac can count on an intergalactic mob boss to feed it tidbits.

That Asteroid Worm Thing in Empire Strikes Back
So, large space worm lives in asteroid, disguises itself as a cave and waits for unwary spaceships to fly by so it can eat them? Makes the Sarlaac look like a marvel of natural selection, it does.

Midi-Chlorians
Oh, man, don't get me started. Except to say this: If in fact a high concentration of midi-chlorians is the difference between being a common schmoe and being a dude who can Force Choke his enemies, the black market in midi-chlorian injections must be amazing.

Birthday Present?

When I was a wee lad, I used to have a towel, that had a little cowl. I used to use it as a cape, but its not nearly as awesome as this Jedi Bathrobe.



This copy is too much, but at $95 bucks this could be worth it.

Star Wars fans rejoice! The Jedi Dressing Gowns are here! What could be better on an evening than strutting around in your Jedi robe, making sure your little Lightsaber doesn't inadvertently pop out due to your lack of jimmy-jams? The Jedi Dressing Gown is made of soft 100% cotton velour and has a Jedi logo embroidered on the front. The bath robe's large hood, sash belt and wide sleeves are classic features of a Jedi robe. Will you be seduced by the dark side (your smelly old bathrobe with cat hair all over the back) or will you fight for justice...or at least the last Jaffa Cake...in a brand new Jedi Dressing Gown?

There's Always Another Side

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Cast of Star Wars

From left to right: Han Solo, Darth Vader, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, and R2D2.

Star Wars "Cantina Band" on Chapman Stick

Via Boing Boing comes this cool video of my favorite song from the Star Wars soundtrack.

Musician Guillaume Estace plays a rendition of the famous "Cantina Theme" from Star Wars IV on a Chapman Stick, a guitar-like instrument designed solely for finger-tapping. It's really cool the way it lets him play the bass and melody simultaneously

Fight to death? But this is a canteen, I work here!

An animation of comedian Eddie Izzard talking about his idea of the 'Death Star Canteen'.

Han Solo, P.I.

Seems like its mashup week this week. Here is a great mashup along with a scene by scene comparison of the original Magnum, P.I. opening with the mashup. As a total aside, 1) I loved Magnum P.I. and Tom Selleck 2) I loves me some Star Wars (duh) and 3) My favorite DC bar has some pirated tv station that shows Magnum P.I. and other great 80's shows (like the A-team) that flicker in and out depending on how screwed up their black box is. Sweet.
(Via Buzzfeed)

The Mashup



The Side-By-Side

New Star Trek is Old Star Wars

*Spoiler Alert* This post includes footage and a plot analysis of the new Star Trek film, which let's face it, you should have seen by now.

I wasn't kidding when I said it was like Star Wars.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1910892

Mea Culpa

Today was Star Wars Day. Faithful followers of this blog must think poorly of me for having not posted this morning about it so we could join in mirth and revelry. My apologies.

May the Fourth be with you.