Obama-larity.

The Awl has come up with some very witty things to say about the White House Flicker stream. I'd check it out of I were you and I wanted to laugh. But maybe you hate humor. Whatever, I don't judge anybody for anything.



The American Enterprise Institute had a whole conference on Obama ceding cultural hegemony to Maeve Beliveau, daughter of Director of Advance Emmett Beliveau.

And this one's for CW:



“Baby… delicious, delicious Japanese baby.”

Donut Seeds

Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Jimmy Fallon's picking up steam.

Obama's Purity Test

John Hodgman is awesome. I can't believe this didn't get more press...

Between Two Ferns: Schedenfreude!

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Get Festive Bastards!

VT sent this to me, from McSweeneys:

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
BY COLIN NISSAN

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

They totally liked the Constitution before you.

Via Toothpastefordinner

Good Morning!

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal were married last weekend, before the marriage they were registered at Craate and Baarehyl.--SRB

Bad Animal Tattoos

Via Hey Look, Animals:

22 Worst animal Tattoos Ever.

People make bad decisions all the time (like forcing their cats wear dresses.)People get bad tattoos all the time (especially tattoos of their favorite TV stars.) It is a blogger's job to highlight them. There is something especially bad about getting a bad animal tattoo. A beloved family member dies? Sure, their image belongs on your shin. Like Asian chicks? Ink poorly-translated Chinese symbols on your collarbone. Enjoy NASCAR? Put Dale Jr. on your lower back. But animals live their lives with dignity, eating each other and just generally being nature. We were charged with protecting the animals by the Great Spirit. What have animals ever done to deserve being painted onto our asses? Nothing, that's what. So why should they suffer alone? Look at our picks for the 22 Worst Animals Tattoos Ever and feel the animals' pain.

22. Dolphin Smoking A Bong
An oldie but a goodie. You have to include Dolphin Smoking A Bong on any list of bad animal tattoos (or bad drug-related tattoos, for that matter).



21. The Tasmanian Devil Riding A Unicorn
We could do entire lists of effed-up unicorn tattoos or tattoos that are bizarre interpretations of beloved cartoon characters. And we probably will, since tattoo lists get hits and we're creatively bereft. So consider this a teaser. Ride on, Taz. Ride on.




20. Is This A Coyote? Then This Coyote.
We're not sure how this happened. Apparently someone stole the paper towel full of the drunken doodles we did while on hold with the cable company, took it to a tattoo parlor, and had one of them permanently tattooed onto their arm. Should we sue? And who would we sue? Good taste?



19. Worst Wolf Tattoo Ever, Unless It Is The Worst Dog Tattoo Ever. Also Possibly It Is The Worst Polar Bear Tattoo Ever. We Honestly Have No Idea.
At least it's happy. Its face is sliding off, it has a severe lack of proportion, and it is completely unrecognizable as any animal known to man. None of that has dampened its enthusiasm for life. You go, tattoo!



18. Tina Fey My Little Pony
Look! 30 Rock is merchandising! We would totally buy plush 30 Rock Babies.



17. Unidentifiable Yellow Thing That Is Maybe A Cheetah Or Some Sort Of Bird
Sorry, person in photo below. This thing that you have tattooed on you that you think is a thing? It is not a thing. It is more like how a five-year-old with an extremely high fever would picture a tiger in their mind after doing whippits.



16. Mentally Challenged Tiger
We know two things: 1.) If there's a picture of breasts, we should be focusing on the breasts, not the awful tattoo. 2.) It's not cool to call someone "retarded" any longer. So let us apologize in advance for saying that this tiger above this lady's boob? It looks retarded.



15. Terrifying Satanic Devil Dog
Didn't this guy ever see The Omen? Devil's totally gonna get his nipple.



14. Inspirational Penguin
"Believe"? Believe what? That penguins can fly? Because they can't. We learned that years ago on the PBS children's series 3-2-1 Contact. Or maybe it was Penguins Can't Fly. It was a long time ago. However, we do remember this: This tattoo sucks.



13. Horribly Drawn Giraffe
We're assuming this is a giraffe. It looks more like the horse Ookla The Mok rode in Thundarr The Barbarian. See?




12. Dead Baby Chicks
Thanks, PETA. You totally ruined our lunch. And this guy's leg.



11. Full Back Bear Tattoo
This is fake, right? Please tell us this is fake. (We're sure you will with or without our prompting.) If it's not fake, it's a good way to cover up an unwanted back hair problem.



10. Dog Tattoo That Proves Someone Loves Their Dog A Little Too Much
Is this tattoo a memorial for a beloved pet who has passed on? That would help explain things. Not much, but still. There is no need to get tattoos of your pets if they're still alive. Especially tattoos that look like a mural on a freeway underpass that also features Aaliyah, Tupac, and Selena.



9. Deer That Looks Like It's Off A Giveaway Calendar From A Tractor Supply Store
Hey! This dude totally got a tattoo that's like the painting hanging in my grandparent's paneled den! They live in Arkansas.



8. Full Back Owl Tattoo
Unless this is Harry Potter's owl there is no reason to devote your entire back to it. Wait, unless it's the Affectionate Owl (featured in this list.) That owl is awesome and deserves your entire back as a canvas.



7. Dogs And Cats Living Together
This tattoo truly is a disaster of Biblical proportions.



6. Three Wolf Tattoo
We can only hope this tattoo endows its recipient with all the powers of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt.



5. Fancy Walrus
Oh sure. This person couldn't just get a walrus tattoo. They had to get an elitist walrus tattoo. We bet this person smokes a pipe, wears tweed, and listens to NPR, all while stroking their tattoo and muttering, "See how smart we are, Fancy Walrus tattoo? See! How! Smart!" Then they break down sobbing, have a comforting glass of sherry, and go to bed alone.



4. Gay Bulldog
Hopefully this tattooee wanted a bulldog who looks like he's grand marshall of the West Hollywood Gay Pride parade. That's cool. Our feeling, however, is that this person has no idea how gay this bulldog comes off. Unintentionally gay bulldogs are always much more hilarious than intentionally gay bulldogs.



3. Cat-Tiger Thing That Looks Like We Drew It In Second Grade
At this point in the list, we can safely assume that art classes are not a necessary prerequisite for opening a tattoo parlor.



2. Boxing Kangaroo
Sorry. There's been some sort of mistake. This is supposed to go on our list of Awesomest Animal Tattoos. Our bad.



1. Any Tattoo That Uses A Person's Bellybutton As An Animal's A**hole
We hope that when future generations look back on humanity in the early twenty-first century, they do so with respect and admiration. But with photographic evidence of our idiocy like this in existence, we doubt it. Sorry, future generations. In our defense, when we got tattoos that used our bellybuttons as animal's a**holes, we were generally drunk.

Nothing Against Vegetarians But...

Norm McDonald

I'm so glad to see this dude on TV again. It's been awhile. He seriously cracks me up. Dirty Work was definitely one of my favorite movies and I lost it when he was doing Weekend Update.

Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

Friday, November 14, 2008

Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847